Meta’s new Twitter rival, Threads, débuted to wide acclaim, gaining tens of millions of users overnight. Here are the features that are delighting the Threads community:
- The app automatically deactivates your phone’s screen-time-limit
feature. - Meta has promised a forthcoming Begrudgingly Agree button.
- Third-party Presidential candidates get pre-bullied before joining.
- The algorithm specifically filters out people you follow.
- It is more ethical than Twitter, as it’s run by a C.E.O. with slightly fewer billions of dollars.
- A hard ban on the word “fam” has been instituted.
- Moms are required to prove that they’re cool to join by uploading a photo of their record collections, or some interesting fibre art, or something.
- There are no hashtags, so no pretending that you know how to use them.
- There are no D.M.s, so you have to flaunt your perversions out in the open for all to see.
- Use your previously useless Bluesky invite code to get thirty per cent off your next Facebook Marketplace purchase.
- There’s a nudity filter, though it still needs beta testing. Who wants to go first? Looking at you, Obama.
- When you post a European-vacation photo, you must disclose how you were able to afford the trip.
- Hateful speech will not be tolerated—unless it’s directed at my snivelling, worthless neighbor, Gary. Eat lead, Gary. (Update: Zuckerberg has announced that the honeymoon phase will end on July 23rd, when he plans to let the racists in.)
- Unlike other social-media platforms, Threads boosts your self-esteem by making Likes nearly impossible to receive.
- Although user numbers remain comparatively low, fans will be able to connect with celebrities in more intimate ways, such as by threatening self-harm if Taylor Swift doesn’t give you free concert tickets.
- Since the app is linked to your Instagram, you can rest assured that your personal data were sold long before you even signed up.
- You can now take part in a trend colloquially known as “the shuffle”: spend all day on Threads; get fired from job; more time for Threads.
- Fake news is impossible to spread on Threads since it’s understood that no one means anything they say.
- It’s also understood that every Thread is meant to be read in a massively ironic voice.
- They only allow hotties on Threads. So, if you made it, congrats 😉 ♦