AMES, IOWA (The Borowitz Report)—In an emotional press conference, former Vice-President Mike Pence revealed that he had spent all of his Presidential campaign’s funds on a ticket to Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.
Pence acknowledged that his decision would probably spell the end of his White House dreams, but he called the chance to see Swift live a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
“On this tour, Taylor will be performing songs from all ten of her albums,” he said. “From ‘Teardrops on My Guitar’ and ‘Shake it Off’ to ‘Lavender Haze,’ Taylor’s songs are the soundtrack of my life.”
The former veep indicated that he would be attending the concert alone. “Mother knows how I feel about Taylor,” he says. “We’ve prayed on it, and she understands.”
The news that Pence had drained his campaign coffers in order to buy a Taylor Swift ticket left his staffers in a state of shock. “I didn’t know he had raised that much,” one said.