I don’t think his approach is unreasonable, but I’m still left feeling that I’m doing way more work and prep than he is, and that this will inevitably lead to me being the “expert” — unless I stop doing extra prep to match his level, which doesn’t seem fair, either.
I’ve tried to bring this up with him — we usually communicate well — but I struggle to articulate my concerns without just accusing him of not doing enough. How can we parent equally with these very different approaches?
— Meeting in the Middle
Meeting in the Middle: Our ancestors didn’t learn to be parents from “The Happiest Baby in the Cave.” It is absolutely valid to go into parenthood intending to learn on the job — and your partner is engaged well beyond that already for having enrolled in those two courses with you.
If he has a history of copying off your homework, then that does make a case for a serious conversation that clears up your roles preemptively. Even then, though, I wouldn’t suggest you split the reading assignments 50-50. (Nothing, and I mean nothing, on the list of parental responsibilities breaks into perfect halves.) Instead, I’d urge you to allocate responsibilities based on your natures. You’re the worrier and the reader, so you read. He’s the we’ve-got-this guy, so he lives in the chore moment — laundry, dinner prep, being calm … whatever. There’s enough work for four adults, so you and he can certainly find enough to put in his column to balance out your gathering of written expertise, or other planning, or other preemptive anxiety management.
If he doesn’t have a history of letting the big stuff devolve to you: then inhale, exhale, trust.
Or go one further, and coast on some of his expertise. Beyond the basics, you can’t know what kind of parent your child will need until your child gets here. In his belief that the basics are enough, your partner could wind up being the better prepared of the two of you for meeting the unique needs of your child. Self-confidence and flexibility are not just fancy job titles for slacking.
This is all just speculation, obviously. But so is your entire predicament — which means you have room and time to try seeing your partner, and your partnership, through different lenses. Instead of 50-50 co-parents, will you work better as 100-100 co-parents, where you both give all you’ve got at what each of you does best? Articulating that might yield better results.