He has no relationship with his sisters or son-in-law because of his behavior. He was unfaithful during his marriage to my mother. She left him twice but kept going back to him.
I wonder if the new lady knows any of this. They don’t live together, and I’ve heard him minimize his anger issues and misrepresent his relationship with my mother as the greatest marriage of all time.
Here is my question: Am I obligated to attend this wedding? My husband and I have college-age children who look to us to set an example. My brother says I would be “selfish” to “begrudge” our father his happiness by not attending and should put my “daddy issues” aside because my father took good care of my mother at the end of her life.
Incidentally, my brother lived several states away during this while I lived next door to my parents.
My concern is that I know full well what this new lady is getting into: a marriage with a volatile, destructive, unstable man. Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite to plaster on a smile and feign support, aiding his charade? I have no relationship with my father beyond surface-level niceties. My husband, who has experienced my father’s behavior, supports me. My college-age children also support me but want to go to the wedding, as this is their grandfather and they have been spared from the worst of his behavior. What would you do?
Torn: First, I would tease apart all the threads that have gotten tangled into a question about wedding attendance, which is to me the least significant issue of the many your letter raises.
There’s your dad’s abusive behavior.
There’s his fiancée’s apparent ignorance of it.
There’s your omission of any mention of even a thought to warning the bride.
There’s your brother’s bullying, contemptuous reaction to your (extremely reasonable) qualms — which suggests, regrettably, that he’s picked up a few behavior tips from your dad.
There’s your choice as an adult to live next door — which may have been to protect your mom, okay, and de-escalation is a valuable skill, but you also made “tiptoeing” an area of mastery.
There’s the possibility that in absorbing the worst of your dad’s behavior yourself, you’ve unwittingly given your kids the impression that dumping on you is okay. Which it isn’t, regardless of anyone’s health.
So — go to the wedding, don’t go, it is a legitimately tough decision. But it’s just one piece of luggage on the Queen Mary, isn’t it?
You ask me what I would do, and that’s always so hard, because what we imagine doing in a tough situation tends to be a lot more decisive, heroic and unburdened by our personal frailties than what we actually do. But here’s what I hope I’d manage under your circumstances:
1. Go directly to counseling, without passing Go. You’re talking a lifetime of Dad’s abuse. You are due some intensive self-care. A therapist who’s a good fit and accepting new patients might take time to find, but stick with it, without a moment’s doubt that you’re worth it.
2. Treat the fiancée to lunch(es), just the two of you. Don’t corner her — that’s rarely effective — but do find out what she knows. Ask pointed questions: “Hmm, how did he respond when you did that?” Gently pierce illusions. Is this crossing a boundary? Damn right. A rare instance when it’s also the right thing to do.
3. Speaking of: Practice saying, “What I do is my business. You mind yours.” You’ll want to carry this phrasing into all future conversations with your father, your brother and any other bullies you know.
4. Watch for Grandpa-style behaviors in your kids, and enlist your husband to do the same. Be prepared for unwavering “That’s not okay” intervention.
5. If the wedding still happens, then go or don’t go — it’s up to your conscience now. Untangling all those threads, though, will ease the “torn” feeling and support a choice that makes sense.