My husband and I are outgoing and we love to socialize and have many friends. I’ve invited my son and his wife on occasions to travel and housesit for us (we have a much nicer/bigger place), but she refuses. Her excuse is that she doesn’t like to sleep in other people’s beds. However, my son has done this many times with other girlfriends/friends in the past. He’s always up for our offers as he’s vacationed with us for years.
I’m her polar opposite: I’m an overachiever and pursued an artistic career. She’s got no interest in the arts and dresses slovenly. She doesn’t have a “career” — just jobs. She has no social interests except her family (which is small) and my son. She has no musical or cultural interests (unless you consider video games a cultural experience?). Her only interest is she’s a hockey team superfan/groupie. I started seeing a therapist, which has helped a little. All my friends tell me to just “be the adult” and JUST SNAP OUT OF IT!
Be the Adult?: You’re holding your daughter-in-law to standards of what you think is “right.” I get it: She’s not exactly what you wanted for your son or how you see yourself. She doesn’t enjoy hosting or cooking, she doesn’t want to travel or house sit for you, she’s not social unless it’s with her “small” family, she’s “slovenly” and a “groupie” and not into what you’re interested in. She’s too difficult and too different. The only positive thing you mention about her is how your son feels about her. Here’s the thing: You need to let go of all the things you think she “should” be. You have to adjust your expectations or prepare to feel like this forever.
Why do you need her to like and do the same things you like and do? You use absolutes in your letter, but, in being rigid in your beliefs about how she should be, you keep yourself from seeing — and even appreciating — her for who she is.
I’m glad you are seeing a therapist and you feel like it’s helping. I can sense how stuck you feel. I think it’s worth challenging your thoughts about your daughter-in-law more deeply. For example, when you say she doesn’t take you up on offers to travel, do you feel rejected that she and your son aren’t spending more time with you? When you say things used to be different, are you feeling grief that things have changed? By acknowledging your feelings, you can start to take ownership over them and figure out how to manage them rather than pointing fingers.
Think about how you interact with your daughter-in-law and your son. Do you show curiosity in her? Are you warm and inviting? Or do your feelings toward her cause you to be cold and distant? Are you encouraging and supportive of your son’s relationship, or have you put him in the middle between you and his wife?
If you’re feeling like you can’t connect with your daughter-in-law, it’s likely she also feels she can’t connect with you. Is it possible she’s holding you at arm’s length because she thinks you don’t like her? I wonder: What can you appreciate about your daughter-in-law? How can you make more of an effort to understand her and her interests (even if you aren’t interested in those things yourself)?
You have named interests of hers that are inroads to connecting. She does have hobbies. She does work. You both love your son. You just need to be willing to meet her where she is. This may sound like: “What is your favorite thing about playing video games?” Or, “I’ve never been to a hockey game, maybe we can watch one with you two sometime?” Ask her about her current job, and past jobs. Ask her about her family, friends and support system.
You may even ask your son how you can better connect with his wife. You could say: “I want to feel closer to [daughter-in-law]. Do you have any suggestions on how I can work toward that?” Or, “I would love to see you and [daughter-in-law] more often. Is there a class or day trip we can plan together?” He can share his own observations of your relationship, or suggest tips on how to connect.
It is natural to grieve the relationship with your daughter-in-law you don’t (yet) have, and it’s natural to grieve how your daughter-in-law changed your relationship with your son. But at the end of the day, your son chose your daughter-in-law for a reason, and you need to be mindful of how you can be supportive of his choices.
Nothing will change unless you change the way you approach this. You may not be best friends with your daughter-in-law, but you can certainly build a relationship with her. You don’t have to like — or understand — everything about her to give her respect and consideration.